


Nightmares

by ashtraythief



Series: Underneath 'verse [37]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Mob, Alternative Universe - FBI, Crimes & Criminals, M/M, Nightmares, Undercover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:26:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27782197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashtraythief/pseuds/ashtraythief
Summary: What if Jared ever found out? Jensen dreams about that sometimes.
Relationships: Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki
Series: Underneath 'verse [37]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/161699
Comments: 98
Kudos: 313





	Nightmares

**Author's Note:**

> For the nonnie on tumblr who asked me ages ago _Can you write a scene where Jensen has a nightmare about Jared finding out he’s an undercover agent?_  
>  Yes, I can. (proceed at your own discretion for this one, but it is just a dream)
> 
> Many, many thanks to ilikaicalie and masja_17 for being wonderful betas.
> 
> The show's finale has given me so many feelings and I've written more in the past week than I wrote since August probably. I've cleaned out my tumblr inbox of all the old asks that have been sitting there over a year - most of them didn't turn into actual fic yet, but you can read the snippets on my tumblr if you want - I finished up some old snippets that I'll be posting here in the next weeks, and I am (once again...) making very slow process of tying up loose ends.  
> Thank you guys, so much, for not having given up on me yet. It means the world to me.

It felt familiar.

They were in the shed at the lake. The one that was a drop-off point. The one where Jared had tested Jensen a final time before he’d really trusted him. Before they’d been solid. Before they’d been honest. Well. Except for Jensen’s one tiny little secret.

They were standing there, Jared in one of his well-fitted black suits, Jensen in jeans and a henley. It was cold. Quiet. The surroundings were fuzzy, but Jensen knew which place this was. It was tense, just like the last time. The eye of the storm.

Jared held up a manila folder. It had the FBI logo on top of it, a red stamp across it, _classified_.

“Care to explain this?” Jared shoved the thin folder at Jensen.

The storm came closer. Rumbling in the distance, a faint flash of lightning.

Jensen’s hand reached for the file on autopilot, dread spread through his stomach.

The folder contained his FBI file, the only one in existence. It was supposed to be safely locked up in Beaver’s office in DC. It was the only proof that he was a government agent and not a criminal. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat, but it wouldn’t disappear.

There was no way Jared could have gotten this, no way. And yet here it was.

In the distance, thunder clashed.

This was it. All the high risk plays in the past, there had always been the chance of success. Not this time though. There was no lie he could tell, no plea he could make to save his life. Jared would kill him.

He was surprised how little that scared him. This, it had always been inevitable.

“What? Cat got your tongue suddenly?” Jared’s voice was hard. Cutting. “You always have something to say, why so quiet now?”

Jensen looked up at Jared and the cold fury he saw in his eyes cut straight through his heart.

Suddenly Jensen felt tired. All the lies, the pretending, the constant struggle to stay alive, he couldn’t do it anymore. The only thing that had kept him going the last few years had been Jared’s love. Without that, he had nothing left to give.

“There’s nothing to say.”

Jared stared incredulously at him.

“Jared, there is nothing I could say that you would believe. Nothing that wouldn’t be an attempt to save my life.”

“You’re right. There isn’t.”

There was a gun in Jared’s hand, his silver colt, and he raised it, pointed it at Jensen’s chest. Jensen just looked back at Jared, soaking up his face for one last time. There’d never be enough time.

“You’re still not afraid, are you?” Jared’s voice was still clear in the roaring of the storm. “No matter how many times I point a gun at you, you are never afraid.”

Jensen just continued to stare at Jared.

“I always admired that about you. That first time I wanted to shoot you in my garden and you didn’t even flinch was the moment I fell in love with you.”

Jensen stayed silent. There was nothing to say. The rumbling of the storm was drawing closer, the eye narrowing.

When Jared pulled the trigger, the shot echoed loudly in the empty shed.

Jensen was thrown backward onto the ground. His head knocked against the concrete.

The storm was there. Quiet, rushing all around them, swallowing their surroundings in foggy gray, Jared the only thing Jensen could see clearly.

He felt the warm wetness pooling on his stomach. Of course. He was a traitor. He didn’t deserve a fast death. Of course, Jared would shoot him in the stomach.

Then suddenly Jared was next to him, kneeling on the ground. He was still watching him with that burning gaze that made Jensen want to look away in shame. But he couldn’t tear his eyes away. He was dying. Maybe now if he told him, Jared would believe him.

“It wasn’t all lies, you know.”

Jared cocked his head to the side. His hair didn’t move in the wind. “Yeah, I figured. Nobody can fake an orgasm that good. You really are a whore, aren’t you?”

That one hit home. A whore. Jensen thought about all the guys he had hooked up with, but no. It had never been like that. And it had never been like that with Jared.

“It’s what I was supposed to do. Seduce you, play your whore.” Jensen remembered his first briefing with Morgan, snorted. “Play your boyfriend. But it was never like that, never.”

“You’re fucking infuriating, you know that?”

Jensen managed a smile. “I know. That’s why you wanted me in the first place.”

“And you knew that, didn’t you?” Jared’s eyes narrowed. “You knew everything about me and wormed your way into my bed by playing to all my fantasies.”

“Yeah.” No point denying it really. “But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t still real. There’s more of Jensen Ackles in Jensen Campbell than you would believe. And I never lied about my feelings for you. That was always the truth.”

Jared regarded him coldly. No love left in his eyes. “Tell me one thing then that was a lie.”

“I love my coffee strong and black. I don’t need any of the sweet stuff.”

For a second Jared looked honestly surprised before his expression became cold again.

The concrete was hard under Jensen’s back. When he tried to move, he realized he couldn’t. He couldn’t feel anything, and Jensen knew, he knew it wouldn’t take long now.

The storm was coming closer, darkening everything outside of Jared and Jensen.

“Jared, this one thing, you have to believe me. I really fell in love with you. Every time I told you how I felt about you, what you meant to me, that was real.”

“You’re lying.”

“Don’t be stupid. Why should I? I’m dying.” For the first time, Jensen felt urgency. Felt frantic. This, this was important. “I love you. Always.”

“Then why, Jensen? Why?” Jared’s expression cracked open and the look on his face was pure agony.

Jensen had never seen him like that. He reached up to put his palm on Jared’s cheek. He felt the evening stubble of his beard and the warmth of his skin. It felt wonderful.

“Undercover agent. No way out, no solution. I was selfish and took what I could get. And Jared, I don’t regret it. Not even lying here, dying. I don’t regret any of it.”

The pain on Jared’s face was almost tangible now. “If you had told me, we could have figured something out.”

“You’d never have never forgiven me.”

“What if I had?”

The storm stopped. Everything stopped. Jensen was suspended in white nothing, Jared right in front of him.

“What if I had?” Jared’s face was coming closer. “What if I forgive you? Jensen, what if I forgive you?” Jared’s hand was gripping Jensen’s shoulder, shaking him. “What if I forgive you, Jensen? Jensen!”

Jensen startled. He was—elsewhere.

Jared was still there, eyes fixed on Jensen’s in concern. “Hey, easy sweetheart. You were dreaming.”

Jensen blinked, took in the dim light in their bedroom, felt the soft comforter under his hands, the high thread count sheets. He was breathing hard and his shirt was clinging to his chest and back with cold sweat.

“Fuck.” He rubbed his face, dragged a hand through his hair. Another one. Then he looked over at Jared. Who was awake. _Fuck_.

“What were you dreaming about?” Jared asked.

Like always, the memory of terror and pain was already fading, slipping back into the fog. Just one image remained, Jared’s anguished face, _what if I forgive you_.

“You…” Jensen shook his head and took a deep breath. “I don’t know. It’s already disappearing.”

Jared didn’t look like he believed him, not entirely, but he took Jensen’s hand and pulled him down against his warm and solid chest.

Another deep breath and Jensen brought his hand up to Jared’s chest, where his heart was beating.

“Oh.” Jared said it quietly, like he just realized something, and put his own hand over Jensen’s, squeezed. “I’m here, baby.”

It took Jensen a moment, to realize, but his hand was right on top of the bullet scar. Just as well that Jared thought Jensen had dreamt Jared’s death and not his own. It was one and the same anyway.

Jensen let out a long breath and closed his eyes. He knew that his dreams were wishful thinking. Jared would never forgive him, never. And he couldn’t let himself think about it. Couldn’t fantasize about it. Couldn’t let himself hope. There was no way and that was that. Besides, he had a job to do.

Jensen closed his eyes and tried to go back to sleep. For now, Jared still wanted him in his arms. And sleep came easy.

**Author's Note:**

> You can come find me on tumblr [here](http://ashtraythief.tumblr.com/) and on twitter [here.](https://twitter.com/ashtraythief) My ask box is always open.


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